Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Katz Schmatz

The other guy thinks I'm Vera Katz. Close. No cigar.

What I do know is Vera did nothing for this city. Nothing! Why, when she came to office in 1992, this place was like some sort of dreamy heaven. Nymphs frolicked in the breeze. Vodka burbled from the city's water fountains. Jobs for the taking when you walked into the city limits -- thousands of them! High paying ones too! And crime? No way! Never such a thing! Forfend!

We didn't have no darn MAX running to the West Side, transporting people hither and thither. If you wanted to get from Hillsboro to Portland, you drove dammit, in your CAR or preferably TRUCK, down the freakin Sunset Highway, and you parked downtown, in the middle of the street, just like our forefathers! You didn't ride no mamby pamby bike, that's for damn sure. And you blasted "oldies music" though in those days most people just called it "crappy music."

All that changed in 1992. 130,000 people lost their senses and voted her in. In 1996, 156,000 people did the same thing. And in 2000, 153,000 people did the exact same thing. My goodness! Did they not see what was happening before their very eyes! Children were being gunned down openly in Pioneer Square! Old men, forced onto streetcars and taken to God knows where! And bikes, the place was lousy with them! Consarn it!

Why, Portland? Why?

Play me that old timey music

It's only 71 degrees today in Portland! And cloudy! Waaaa! They call this summer? It's certainly not gelato weather, I'll tell you that!

So, anyway, I like me the old timey music. Did I mention that? As a baby boomer, I have no use for any music made after 1979. Nirvana? More like Schmir-vana! The Pixies? More like the Stinx-ies! Ha! See how you young hipsters like that! I'm going to blast my Supremes records on my 78 player until your lattes foam over!

Since as a tax law professor at a major NW university, I have to put up with a lot of b.s. to live amongst the cretins who serve my coffee and bake my bread. For example, all those other jerks elect people like Sam Adams and Erik Sten. I don't like those guys. Noooooo sir. Erik Sten probably hasn't even heard of the Supremes. Maybe he should ride his bike to my house so he can hear "Baby Love" blasting from my reel-to-reel tape player! I bought it in '65! Take that, digital loving jerks!

Seriously, if you moved to Portland after I did in the mid-70s, may you die instantly. Just die. What was my point again?

I don't like gelato!

Did I mention one of my favorite grocery stores closed down? (Even though I always shop at Costco, I still think a lot of grocery stores should stay open just because it's nice). Then, they put in a gelato store there! Waaaa! I hate gelato! I haaaaaaaaate it!

Bring back the grocery store, so I can not shop there some more!

My name is Jerk Bog

My name is Jerk Bog, and I like to tell everyone how much it sucks to live in Portland, Oregon. Welcome to my blog.

Well, we might as well start with the crime sheet. A stabbing on NW 23rd! Oh, and some train hit a guy on a bike! It's horrible here! And did you hear they're building some buildings near the river? My precious commute will be ruined by having to look at tall buildings!

Waaaaaaaa!

Sincerely, Jerk Bog